12-Step Program to Getting Over A Non-Boyfriend

Loso somewhat glamorized the idea of being in a situationship on a track from his Soul Tape 3And it’s nice to have the leniency of a no-strings-attached kind of relationship—daring even. That is until the guy decides to move on to someone else and you’re left with nothing but what could’ve been a relationship. The reality of a “situationship” is that there are no titles and no commitments. But alas, there’s a silver lining to the heartbreak of a non-boyfriend. That little loophole he used to breakup with you is also your be-petty-to-bae free card. Get ready to be a little immature with our 12-step program to getting over your non-boyfriend.

STEP 1: Identify him as your non-boyfriend

If he actually was your boyfriend and you two were in a serious and committed relationship, this program is not for you. Be on the lookout for our “Waiting to Exhale: 12 Steps to Getting Over a Dog” program coming soon.

STEP 2: Accept the fact that he was never your boyfriend

This may be hard, but the first step to recovery is acceptance. You have to realize that those BFF “dates” watching movies and having “slumber parties” didn’t equate to a relationship. And once you can come to grips with this, well that’s when the fun begins.

STEP 3: Turn on your read receipts

We call this the “Petty La Belle” step. He’s going to eventually text you to rekindle the flame so let him know that you saw his message. This way you can keep him wondering. (Disregard if you have an Android)

STEP 4: Monitor your conversations

You have the choice of either reducing the amount of times you text him back or increasing the amount of time you take to respond to his messages. We recommend the latter for ultimate pettiness, but it’s up to you to decide.

STEP 5: Call your friends over for a “he wasn’t sh*t” party

Similar to the “I’m Sorry” party coined by Kirk and Rasheeda of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, this party involves the public display of emotions to your loved ones. Have your girls come over—each with a bottle of alcohol and a carton of ice cream—and spill your guts out.

STEP 6: Delete him from your memory

Ah, the “Petty Riley” step. This is when you go through your phone with friends deleting everything that has anything to do with him (except the nudes, always keep the nudes).

STEP 7: The Drunk Dial/Text

Whether you’re just a bit tipsy or tipping off the couch, it’s time to let him know how you feel. Call him up and spill your guts even more, letting him know how much of a mistake he made in playing you. This is great because you can always blame it on the alcohol.

STEP 8: Have a heart to heart with your friends

All pettiness aside (just for this one step), your friends are also there to comfort you in your time of need. Cry on a shoulder or two knowing that they won’t let anything you say or do leave the room after that night.

STEP 9: Tend to your hangover

All those shots of Patron mixed with tubs of Ben & Jerry’s will probably have you hovered over the toilet for a while. Pop an aspirin, drink some water and take a day just to recuperate from all the madness.

STEP 10: Block his number on your phone

Now that you’ve gotten everything off your chest, there’s no need to keep in contact with him—at least for a while. A simple number block will keep you from being bothered with the subsequent texts and calls after your drunken confession.

STEP 11: Unfollow and block him on every social network

You don’t want to know what woman is liking his pictures or blowing up his Twitter mentions; that’s adding salt to the wound. Simplify your life with an unfollow and a block on social networks as well.

STEP 12: Stunt!

And in your final hour of pettiness, you get the chance to show him what he’ll be missing. Wait a few days then get dressed in an outfit that says, “I know I’m bad, and I’m not even trying.” And when you’re ready to break a few necks and hearts, go somewhere you know he’ll be and show him just how much you’re over him… even if you’re not.

Photo Credit: Twitter

(via VIBE Vixen)


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